The Relationship Between Dance and Eating Disorders

There are multiple categories of the ideal body type in Western culture: the bodybuilder body, the swimmer's body, the runner's body, the gymnast's body, and, the one that has had a significant negative impact/affect on me, the dancer's body. These body types all set utterly unrealistic standards for us as women in many facets of society; they have proven to completely obliterate the appropriate psychological boundaries of what it means to achieve success and quite frankly, I disagree with this greatly.

There are many different types of dance of course, but the three that I do are ballet, modern, and hip hop. Since I have moderate cerebral palsy, I often feel like I need to attempt to attain the ultimate epitome of a dancer's physique to compensate for the lessening of technical [kinesthetic] skill that I have due to my poor motor control. Over the course of my teenage years, I have had to learn to realize that this is pure overcompensation that is far too excessive by all means. But I still sometimes wonder if it is accurate. After all, ballerinas and modern dancers are inherently regarded as superior if they have skeletal sides, but I try my very hardest to combat this line of thinking, not only for myself, but for other dancers as well. Yet, facts preference for dancers with flat stomachs and visible shoulder blades, collarbones, and ribs are still extremely pervasive as much as we like to shut our eyes and blindfold ourselves into a eutopian bubble that states otherwise.

--Example of a Ballerina Body (Olga Kurraevva)

My teenage years were rough because I became a woman, not a skeleton anymore; I started to lose my frame of a body, my fairy body and that scared me in all honesty. So, then I started putting more and more pressure to maintain that dancer body whose mind desperately wanted to maintain a girl who could wear belly shirts and low-rise sweatpants and crop tops without something under or over it and leotards and tutus and articles of clothing that only thin people could possibly wear.

When my eating disorder had reached it's very worst, I started to wreak havoc on my body in ways that I'd prefer not to discuss. But essentially, I lost some weight, but I was never able to keep it off. My body had made me eat eventually due to my history with low blood sugar. So I started depleting virtually every ounce of my energy with dance itself. I stayed the same physique, much to my dismay and I did not attain  the desired and pernicious effect of seeing my flesh turn to bone. I yelled, I screamed, I cried and came to the disappointing realization of dreadfulness that subjecting myself to a succession of a stomach pratically made of water, an ill-tempered demeanor, unwanted persperation, and dizziness was serving me no justice than little add-ons of control and the [unhealthy] release of endorphins. I hated this harsh reality more than anything.

Nothing about me had the qualities of an elite dancer -- I was klutzy by default, spastic, gimpy, tight, and most of all, in my eyes, not skinny enough. Dance is about a beautiful body, and my eating disorder convinced me that unless the Teddy Grahams bearwas gorgeous, I was certainly NOT considered so either by any stretch of the imagination. I was nowhere near close to having the sexiness of Nina Sayers from Black Swan or of my most looked up to dancer, Olga Kuraevva or my hip hop dance all-star acquaintance, Kate. So I had no passion, no drive, no desire for sex, dance, or the pursuit of happiness anymore. Here I was  -- a dancer always claiming to herself that dance had been her eternal passion... here I was -- a dancer, who in all senses, happened to be the ONLY one who was [directly] pressuring herself to lose weight. No one had ever told me to lose weight, especially not for dancing purposes, so it was subtly ludicrous that I was doing so myself. I guess I want to be perfect, I guess I wanted to be sexy, I guess I wanted all the exacerbated pain and fatigue from dancing my ass off to actually MEAN something for once in my fluctuant life -- I guess I didn't want to be ostracized from the elite anymore than I already was, I guess I wanted my CP to not matter nearly as much anymore. I guess I wanted to go to NYU or Julliard. I guess I wanted to feel good.

Now, I guess I do feel good in SOME respects about it, feeling good and vital about my presence as a dancer again. I have regained my passions, my strength, my carthartic acts, and my artistic visions within my dancing in the fields of ballet and modern dance and have tried very hard to be able to look in the mirror and see arm exercises that show healthy bones - and ultimately a dancer with drive, swagger, soul,, grace, strength, and all things in between without the detrimental and disproportional omission of a body worth celebrating even in belly shirts, crop tops,  sweatpants, leotards, and tutus. And I guess I feel not 100% good, but alright to maintain myself.\

Olga Kurraevva - Contemporary Ballet Improvisation

Built on Stilts Dance Festival 2009 with Kate and Evan - Hip Hop Performance

Eating Disorders and Sex: A Toxic Correlation

I blew this up so you could see how this cover hit me like a ton of bricks shortly after buying FOOD.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that you're thinking that this post is going to be another generic rant about how society instills in us as people in Western cultures (especially young women such as myself) to be stick thin. Well, if that is your assumption of what the post may be about, let me inform you that you are right, but also wrong. The topic of this post has rarely been discussed in relation to eating disorders at least to the limits of my current knowledge, much less so that it is written by someone who is 18 years old. And that topic is sex. Yes, sex. I know it may seem odd or futile or even salacious to write something such as this, but I truly do believe that this is a legitimate issue that needs to be carefully and tastefully addressed.

You've all heard the endless and timeless harping on about how the media and pop culture seem to play a distinctive "pattern" of roles in the breeding of eating disorders I'm sure. But have you ever stopped and thought about how maybe, just maybe eating disorders could be caused by sexualized society as well? I didn't think it either until I was about 16.

Let's break it down. When women feel sexy, they show off their breasts, their asses, their legs, their backs, their shoulders, and their tummies. This is because visibility of those body parts show things. Now let's look at a girl with an eating disorder: she doesn't like any of those things because her view of her body is distorted and she constantly feels like her body is hideous. Now let's look back at the women without eating disorders: they want to show off body parts because they feel that their bodies are sexually attractive and therefore, suitable. Notice how on the magazine cover, it is essentially talking about these main topics:

a) ways to be "more beautiful" via the aides of products such as cosmetics and perfumes: BEST BEAUTY UNDER $10 and HOT LOOKS FROM BEACH TO BAR+

b) ways to get a "better" body: STEAL KATY'S FLAT ABS TRICK ASAP. 

c) stuff about sex: EPIC HOT SUMMER SEX and TURN UP THE HEATAT WORK * IN LIFE * IN BED, and MAKE HIM ROAR!

Size of the Text:

The words that have been enlarged are as follows:

FLAT ABS

EPIC SEX

HEAT

ROAR!

Placement of the Text:

Notice how "FLAT ABS" is directly under "TURN UP THE HEAT"... 

Am I the only one who thinks that the fact that these things occurring in this way is on purpose? In other words, this whole magazine layout may as well say this:

"If you want to have a good sex life, it is essential for you to attain a completely flat stomach like none other than Katy Perry; this will ensure that you will get laid and be good in bed."

Society often seems to overlook the fact that casual sex is about a good body. Having a good body is beautiful, to a certain extent. But if you ask many people how they feel after losing weight they'll say words such as "hot" and "sexy" or even "Things with my husband have never been better!"

Sex is ultimately about a BODY; a person's physique and in all honesty, eating disorders are used to perfect that body much of the time. They're a way to feel secure in whatever sense used. Sex has an element of security as well,  and in Western culture,a skinny body not only means a beautiful one, but a one that will get someone to take you home and fuck you. Being thin is often considered genetically alluring to our homosapian selves and translated in our modern selves, a factor in their sexual capabilities. I encourage you to ponder this the next time you see another edition of Cosmo in the grocery store or another playing of Jason Derulo's "Wiggle" on the radio. Thank you.